glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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