All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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