The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
