I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
