Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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