Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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