We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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