I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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