I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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