Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
