I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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