Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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