Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
