Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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