who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
