wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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