i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
