I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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