i was born a porn star she said
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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