Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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