Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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