He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
