i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
