I will die if light touches me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
