So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Randomize
