Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
