I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
