Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
