if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
