I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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