Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
