we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize