Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
