I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
