they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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