apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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