Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
