I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
