You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
