at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My ass is underappreciated
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
