What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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