Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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