Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
