Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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