so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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