Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
