I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
