He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
