Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
