I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
