strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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