Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize