this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
