i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
