I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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