Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
