Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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