Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
