saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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