so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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